Needs v. Wants: What Do You Really Need?

I had an interesting experience with a prospective client the other day. She very clearly and congruently dismissed an entire career path with the words “Well, I can’t do that because I need 8 hours of sleep a night and about 5 hours in the morning, at home, to do my waking up and morning rituals.”

In a momentary flash I noticed that there were Protestant Work Ethic parts of me that were not comfortable with this, and there were all the parts of me that are geared up to reframe and expand my clients’ worlds that were jumping up and down with something to say…and I also had to confess that the two were a bit tangled up in a way that was not useful to my client. On her map this was just a fact, something about herself that she was comfortable with, and that was part of her centered and present state. It was in no way shape or form coded as a problem or a limitation, it was who she was and who she wanted to be.

I am very fortunate to have had the kind of training that allowed me notice myself very briefly, and then let that go, to enter into her world in a useful way. But following the call I took a few minutes to engage with the question:

“What do you need?” and the corollary “How would you know when your needs are being met?”

The usual question that starts a Changework session (stated verbally or implicitly present in the practitioner’s mind) is: “What would you like?” For me, on my map of reality, this is a very different question because it presupposes that the results are optional. When I engage with the question “What do you need?” results have to do with survival, so I engage with parts of me that can solve problems in a clear and strong way; parts that are very decisive and know how to get things done…even if the cost is something I think I’d like.

When I look at business models that I have tried out in the past and not succeeded very well with, I can see that many of my needs were being treated as optional. For example, recreation time is really not optional it is a human need…if we don’t give it to ourselves, our system will take it (and sometimes at really inconvenient times, like falling asleep at an important meeting).

So try this, what do you really need to be at your best? Now look at some of the decisions you have on your plate and see if your needs can even be met if you go down that path. You may have some re-deciding to do.

What Do You Need?

I had an interesting experience with a prospective client the other day. She very clearly and congruently dismissed an entire career path with the words “Well, I can’t do that because I need 8 hours of sleep a night and I need about 5 hours in the morning, at home, to do my waking up and morning rituals.”

In a momentary flash I noticed that there were Protestant Work Ethic parts of me that were not comfortable with this, and there were all the parts of me that are geared up to reframe and expand my clients’ worlds that were jumping up and down with something to say…and I also had to confess that the two were a bit tangled up in a way that was not useful to my client. On her map this was just a fact, something about herself that she was comfortable with, and that was part of her centered and present state. It was in no way shape or form coded as a problem or a limitation, it was who she was and who she wanted to be.

I am very fortunate to have had the kind of training that allowed me notice myself very briefly, and then let that go to enter into her world in a useful way. But following the call I took a few minutes to engage with the question:

“What do you need?” and the corollary “How would you know when your needs are being met?”

The usual question that starts a Changework session (stated verbally or implicitly present in the practitioner’s mind) is: “What would you like?” For me, on my map of reality, this is a very different question because it presupposes that the results are optional. When I engage with the question “What do you need?” Results have to do with survival, so I engage with parts of me that can solve problems in a clear and strong way, that are very decisive and know how to get things done…even if the cost is something I think I’d like.

When I look at business models that I have tried out in the past and not succeeded very well with, I can see that many of my needs were being treated as optional. For example, recreation time is really not optional it is a human need…if we don’t give it to ourselves, our system will take it (and sometimes at really inconvenient times, like falling asleep at an important meeting).

So try this, what do you really need to be at your best? Now look at some of the decisions you have on your plate and see if your needs can even be met if you go down that path. You may have some re-deciding to do.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Janet @ 3:59 pm

Dare to be a leader

What is leadership? There are a lot of fancy courses and books and names of different types of leadership…some of this is excellent and thought provoking and some of it is utter nonsense. I think before we even begin to think about leadership in a more broad and general sense, before we begin thinking about leading others, we need to be able to take the lead in directing our own lives.

One of the first places where we can take the lead, are situations where we genuinely need help. The only person who can identify a situation where you feel stuck or trapped in an old pattern, is you. The only person who can know what you would like, really, is you. The only person who can know the difference when something is a simple “environmental level” change involving nothing more than the identification of the best solution, medication, program, or hire, or when this is a core “identity level” change involving belief restructuring and life alteration and you need the help of a change agent (person or sometimes event).

So how do we take charge of our lives?

The first step is to identify what you need, even when parts of you don’t want you to have that. For example if you need rest, but parts of you think you better work harder, it’s time to spend a little time working out what’s best for the system, so that all parts of you are honored.

Taking charge sometimes means asking for guidance. Taking charge sometimes means asking for help. Taking charge begins by asking the question:

What would you like?

Filed under: Mindset Matters — Janet @ 4:30 pm

Motivate Me

I have been feeling particularly de-motivated about exercising for quite some time. The funny thing is that I used to really like to exercise. I have these exercise videos/dvds which are a bit boring, but nothing onerous, and given my schedule and preferences would be an ideal way for me to work out. Lately, I just have not been doing them…I have also tried many other places and types of exercise but have not seemed to get going for far too long of a time.

The other day I managed to get myself in front of the video and caught myself in a really negative groove. First of all my mind was telling myself how much I didn’t want to do this, but that if I just crunched my spirit down, it would be over soon. Then my mind spent time inwardly criticizing the relentless perkiness of the instructor. Most of the time of the actual exercise was spent wishing it would be over and trying to picture myself as fit again, which just highlighted the gap between now and my former athleticism and made me feel bad.

Well, if that’s a sample of what my mind has been doing all this time no wonder I haven’t been exercising!

Having noticed this, I decided that the next day I would try something different. During the next 24 hours, if I caught myself thinking about exercise, I told myself how much I was looking forward to it and used my NLP skills to create an association between an anticipatory state and the exercise time. Then while I was exercising I forced myself to smile and instead of criticizing the instructor tried to be just as perky as she is, and ended up cracking myself up – thus pairing exercise with laughter! If I found my mind drifting to a future athleticism which was paired with all the times I’d failed to get back in shape, I tried focusing instead on how good it felt to move my muscles right now. Just gently bringing my thoughts back to enjoyment of the present.

Well after doing this for just a few days I can’t wait to exercise. Really.

What makes one person, given the same set of circumstances or hearing the same information, react in a productive way while another person (or the same person at a different time) spins into a negative counter-productive spiral?

The answer seems to lie within. Our brains create associations with words and with feelings and with states that can spark off a chain reaction. One “negative” (currently undesired) thought produces body chemistry that we may have associated with more “negative” thoughts. We create meaning from this chain reaction, and that meaning can be dependent on past decisions and experiences. What may have been life saving for a child, may be irrelevant or not so useful for an adult.

When we are feeling de-motivated it’s useful to create new associations and this can be done through changework sessions which explore and reframe deep patterning creating new meanings and new paired states. Or sometimes, as in my exercise example, simple, conscious mindfulness of being present with our bodies can change our body chemistry and therefore our mindset. Which method to chose really depends on the situation, the availability of resources, and whether it’s a simple environmental change that’s needed or whether it’s leading to a major identity change.

Filed under: NLP and Personal Change — Janet @ 11:55 am

The Single Most Dangerous Thought for Self Employed Professionals

Many people have heard me speak about how a business reflects the beliefs of its owner. For example, a person who is not charging enough in their business is liable to have some limiting beliefs about their personal worth – some sort of self esteem issue.  The “not charging enough” behavior is just a symptom of an underlying set or cluster of beliefs that were probably formed in childhood.

However, sometimes self employed professionals fall into the trap of thinking that not only does their business reflect themselves it is them.  And there is a crucial difference.

This is an easy trap to fall into, especially when doing market positioning work.  In my marketing teleclass for self employed professionals, “Claim Your Niche”, and in the positioning work I have studied by other service marketing gurus, there is a lot of emphasis on determining what differentiates your brand or how to name your “unique selling proposition” (USP).  In order to do that for a service practitioner – especially when the service is somehow personal, involving relationship, style, and a million other factors that vary between professionals in a similar field or target market – we need to look very closely at personality, strengths and weaknesses…in my classes I even go so far as to use NLP techniques to do things like internal searches to further elicit this information.  So it is very easy when your business is this personal to think that your business not only reflects you, it is you.

Again, there is a crucial difference. Understanding this distinction consciously and having this difference wired in unconsciously is what often separates my most successful clients from those that are struggling.  Understanding this difference and wiring this reframe into your other than conscious mind allows you to do things like not take rejection personally.

If you are in business not every potential client is going to be a match and probably some clients are going to complain. If you are running a belief cluster that says “I and my business are one” that feedback is going to hurt.  A lot.  It’s going to feel like a personal rejection and might stop you from moving forward.  On the contrary if your business is merely a reflection of you it is easier to take that feedback and use it appropriately to notice if you are correctly positioned, if your systems are working, if there is an appropriate response or if you just say “OK” and move on.

Even people with loving backgrounds can have these kind of outdated issues and feelings; it seems to be normal and just a product of being human.  What is important to know is that the patterning has a structure that can be redesigned to be more empowering to our adult selves – that’s what I do in my sessions as a practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).  You can make a shift and automate it so that you don’t have to remember to be different, you just are.

Do you have an opinion or experience you would like to share?  Please join this discussion on the Quantum Growth Facebook fan page.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Quantum-Growth-Business-Personal-Change-for-Self-Employed-Professionals/217462716878

Filed under: Mindset Matters,NLP and Personal Change — Janet @ 2:14 pm

Don’t Waste the “Wow”…Start with the Close in Mind

Two of the most common mistakes self employed professionals make when they first go to sell their services are the following:

1)     Moving to sell something to a prospect too early in the relationship.

It goes like this:  You meet at a networking event, introduce yourself, say what you do, and secretly expect at least one person who you just met 30 seconds ago to say:

“Oh my goodness, I’m looking for exactly that!  Here’s a check to get the ball rolling and let’s start tomorrow!  No I can’t wait until tomorrow, let’s start now!”

Or at least they’ll say:

“I’ll call you” (and really do it).

Now, maybe there’s something wrong with me, but my experience (and that of my clients), is that this simply does not happen.

Never?

Never.

So if you go in with that secret expectation you are going to be disappointed and possibly angry – at yourself, at the world, at the event.

Even if the prospect’s first impression was really great and they are “wowed”, when you move to sell before trust is established you will waste that “wow”.

The same thing is true if someone comes to your web site, hears you speak, or reads an article.  It’s too early to expect them to become your client.  The most that you can hope for is that they become fans of and consumers of your information.

2)     Having no strategy or follow up scheduled.

You meet people who are impressed or interested in what you do, you might even prepare a whole talk or presentation and really “wow” your audience but you have nothing in place to capture or convert the leads, so:

the “wow” is wasted.

If there is no follow up action – even though you did the thing you were supposed to do to build your business (network, speak, write etc.) you did not create any new business.

Even if you have the best content in the world, the most amazing revelation in your field ever, if you do not follow up, if you do not put time in your schedule or hire someone and systematize follow up, there will be insufficient new business generated from the activity and the “wow” will be wasted.

The erroneous conclusions from these mistakes

People often think if they just join a networking group, put up a web site, write some articles or speak in public they will get clients.  That’s partially true – any action will get you more than no action, but to create more of the right kind of clients consistently, you also must know how to de-code where a prospect is in a marketing and sales cycle, at any time, what to say to build trust and strengthen the relationship, and how to have appropriate offerings at each place.  And you have to have the self esteem to follow up.

It’s easy to feel that you’ve done a lot to market your business, because you’ve taken action and “networked”, but if you don’t plan systematic follow up you may have little to show for your effort.  The common mistake is then to conclude things like “marketing doesn’t work”, or “I am not good at business/marketing”.

In actuality what you just tried to do is impossible.  No wonder it didn’t work.  It would be like walking up to a stranger at a bar and asking for marriage instead of “Can I buy you a drink?”

The underlying issue

The two mistakes mentioned above ( either moving to sell too early in a relationship or not following up) stem from a personal limitation, a lack of self confidence, combined with simple lack of marketing know how.  And many, many people do both at the same time to varying degrees, especially when starting out.

In both cases the personal limitation is usually underlying self doubt (low self esteem), which (when you dig down) might be articulated as: “nobody wants my service (because I am at bottom worthless)”.  In the first case (rushing to sell) they don’t have the confidence that they can create multiple points of contact with a prospect or that it might be better to walk away from a non-ideal prospect.  The person has so much fear running that they try to brazen it out through appearing over confident.  In the second case (no follow-up) they are not having the self esteem to initiate the next step or the confidence to hire someone who will.  The fear of rejection or failure overwhelms them and they do nothing.  In both of the above scenarios the person will not create any business and thus will have the dubious pleasure of proving their belief about themselves and their worthlessness “right”.

Often a person with this belief set is only conscious of the belief “marketing/networking does not work”.  Or better yet, “marketing does not work for me/my service…  I am/my service is special and different and none of these techniques works to market it.”

Period.

It’s much easier to be conscious about that, because it’s externalized, than it is to be conscious of an underlying belief like “I am worthless”.  But most of us have this underlying belief to some degree.

The secret is to know what small step is appropriate to “close” on and to follow up on just that step.  If you are only trying to create a connection,that’s a lot easier and less threatening to your self confidence than trying to sell on the first contact (it also has the possibility of working).  Still, being able to do that may involve working with a qualified professional very explicitly on your beliefs both about yourself and about how the  world works.  Issues around worth and self esteem are common topics in my office.  The best way I have found is to not remain alone – to create support structures and positive peer pressure to unlock yourself from a vicious cycle into a positive one.

“Start with the close in mind” just means to think through ahead of time what is appropriate to close on at that stage of the game.

“Start with the close in mind” means to set yourself up for success by learning to believe in yourself.

If you just create support structures to continuously monitor and when appropriate update your beliefs your success becomes limitless.

Filed under: Mindset Matters,Speaking — Janet @ 11:20 am



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